Sabrina Carpenter’s new album controversy: secret hidden messages when played backwards
So, I did what any responsible adult with a pile of laundry, two overdue bills, and a slowly dying peace lily would do on a Tuesday night: I played Sabrina Carpenter’s new album backwards. Not spiritually, not metaphorically. I mean literally backwards, like Satan’s DJ spinning side B at a haunted roller rink.
And what I heard was not demonic chanting. It was worse. It was infomercial catchphrases. Below are the disturbingly peppy slogans I captured, along with the fictional products they promote. I don’t know what Sabrina’s team is trying to sell us, but I now own five of these devices and I think one of them stole my identity.
“Flap it, slap it, and zap it away!”
Introducing: The Regret-Remover Deluxe™
From the makers of “Oops-Be-Gone” and “Cry-Mop” comes this triple-action tool designed to eliminate shame from your life with a patented three-step process: flap it (wildly fan your mistakes like you’re trying to dry a wet squirrel), slap it (give your past decisions a good smack), and zap it (a mild electric jolt that doesn’t fix anything but does make you forget what you were doing).
Side effects include temporary amnesia and an inflated sense of confidence at weddings.
“The Flibberflamulator 5000: Because who needs sanity?”
Available only in neon chartreuse and emotionally unstable red.
The Flibberflamulator 5000 is a combination leaf blower, hair curler, and legal grey area. Designed by a retired NASA janitor, it spins, flashes, yells at you in a fake accent, and somehow also makes coffee. It doesn’t do anything useful, but it makes you believe in chaos again.
Comes with a 14-minute instructional DVD narrated by a man named Jörg who claims to be your uncle now.
“Say goodbye to your dignity, and hello to our Snuggie-Tron 3000!”
The blanket that judges you quietly.
Tired of being cozy but not emotionally vulnerable? The Snuggie-Tron 3000 wraps around your entire existence, literally and figuratively. It has built-in speakers that whisper your worst middle school memories, and pockets big enough for entire rotisserie chickens.
As soon as you put it on, you immediately understand why your ex left, but you’re also somehow OK with it.
“Guaranteed to make you dance like a fool: Disco-Disco-Matic!”
Do you hear ABBA in your walls? That’s the machine.
This miracle device fits in your coat pocket and forces you to dance uncontrollably to disco music every time someone uses the word “comptroller.” You’ll spin. You’ll shimmy. You’ll lose custody of your snack bar.
Comes with platform shoes that detect sincerity and scream if someone’s faking their vibe.
“Unleash your inner caveman with the Gronk-A-Tron!”
Now with club mode and “ugh” translator!
Have you ever wanted to smash a printer with purpose? The Gronk-A-Tron channels ancient rage into modern convenience. With one swing of this foam-wrapped primitive stick, you can destroy anxiety, social contracts, or that IKEA table that mocks you with its 97 screws.
Great for corporate retreats or dating app fatigue. Warning: Do not Gronk near open fire.
“The Selfie-Toaster: Because burnt toast needs a filter!”
Welcome to breakfast’s golden age.
Tired of breakfast being aesthetic-neutral? The Selfie-Toaster burns your face onto each slice using a heat-mapping AI algorithm and a weird amount of sass. Want to look smug on a bagel? Smize on a crumpet? Melt into a cinnamon raisin? This toaster makes it happen.
Pairs well with shallow relationships and oat milk lattes. Do not use with gluten-free bread unless you’re emotionally ready.
“The Ploofling Device: For when you need to make a mess!”
Why clean up when you can amplify chaos?
You’ve got flour. You’ve got glitter. You’ve got three unopened bags of plastic Easter grass. What you need is the Ploofling Device: a spring-loaded catapult that launches domestic mess into every corner of your home at once.
Originally designed for Banksy, banned in seventeen countries. Includes a bonus attachment for flinging vague existential dread.
“The Incredible Sulk-ulator: For when life just isn’t fair!”
It adds up your disappointments in real time!
You didn’t get the promotion. Your coffee shop “punch card” expired two years ago. Someone called you “ma’am” and you’re twenty-nine. You need the Sulk-ulator. Enter your age, salary, number of unread texts, and it gives you a personalized “mope score” and recommended playlist of sad trombone solos.
Comes in gray. Only gray.
“The Inflato-Matic 9000: Because adulting is overrated!”
Why face bills when you can bounce?
This wearable suit inflates on command and rolls you away from difficult conversations, awkward work calls, or any place someone says, “Let’s circle back.” Built for optimal escapism and literal deflection, it’s the only business casual attire approved by circus clowns and introverts alike.
Inflation pump doubles as wine opener. Includes optional helium setting for voice modification and breakups.
“The Burp-A-Tron 3000: Because politeness is optional!”
Class is dead. Long live gas.
No more stifled burps. The Burp-A-Tron not only amplifies your inner beast—it assigns musical tones to your digestive disruptions. Whether you’re at a wedding or an Amtrak station, your insides can now sing the song of their people.
Every purchase supports a foundation for overly confident 7th-grade boys.
I’m not saying Sabrina Carpenter is trying to brainwash us with subliminal marketing, but I am now in debt for three devices that sing, one that judges me, and another that zapped my eyebrows off. And I still don’t know what the album’s about. Something about espresso?
Either way, 5 stars. Would play backwards again.